Title: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies Author: Martin Lewis Summary: "Shoot it, shoot it, f*cking shoot it." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "Shoot it, shoot it, fucking shoot it." Scully squeezed the trigger twice and sprayed brains all over Mulder's suit. He exhaled massively and slumped against the wall. She wiped her gunhand across her forehead and looked at him. "I think we're in deep shit, Mulder." "Zombies, motherfucking zombies. Its days like this that make me feel old." Scully smiled at him and offered him her hand. He took it gratefully and pulled himself upright. He looked down at the corpse and shook his head. "Mulder, we can't be sure that they're zombies," she said reasonably. "Oh no? They've got blue skin, their flesh is coming off in strips and they tried to eat us. Zombies." "Maybe they're cold, hunger lepers." Mulder looked at her in disbelief. "You've got a really sick sense of humour, you know that, Scully?" "For a maverick renegade you're a bit of an old stick in the mud, Mulder." "Are we going to stand around bitching all day or are we going to get the fuck out of Dodge?" Can't Take It, she mouthed back at him. He turned away in disgust and she turned her attention to the alleged zombie. She had to admit that it looked like Mulder was right. While the body had clearly once been human it was now an attractive light blue hue and in a state of arrested decay. What was left of the contents of its head looked suspiciously rotten. Perhaps the real give away was the way it had lurched towards Mulder with its mouth open and its arms outstretched moaning. Figures, she thought, it'd be just my luck to have wandered into a zombie den. "I don't think we should stick around, Mulder." "No," he agreed, ruffling a hand through his hair. "I reckon you're right. That way?" She followed his finger. It pointed back the way they'd come. She shrugged. Why not? In the distance she thought she saw something move. "This is another fine mess you've gotten me into, Mulder." ***** Mulder frowned at the menu. He turned it over and his frown deepened. "Don't pull that face - you chose where we ate last time," Scully reminded him. "There's no bacon and eggs," he complained. "Its a bagel shop." "Exactly." Scully sighed. "Mulder, stop complaining, I'm sure you can find something you'd like." A waitress appeared out of nowhere at their table. She smiled brightly at them. "You folks ready to order yet?" she asked, sounding exactly like a waitress. "Yeah, I'd like a bagel with cream cheese and lox, and a glass of orange juice, please." "And you, sir?" "Scrambled eggs, hash browns and coffee." "There," Scully said when the waitress had gone, "That wasn't so bad, was it? And they did have eggs." "No, they didn't, they had scrambled eggs." She rolled her eyes heavenwards and waited for Mulder's next attack on her eatery of choice. "I wish you wouldn't eat such healthy food; you make me feel like a slob." "You are, Mulder. Besides you know that if I put on weight it goes straight to my face." "Not that you can tell," he added cruelly. "You bastard, you utter bastard; its a good job I'm not insecure. I eat well, I go running, I look great, so fuck you. I'm not the one who lives on coffee, vodka, junk food and fucking sunflower seeds. I'm not fucking talking to you ever again." Mulder pulled a sympathetic face that was indecently insincere. Their food came. Mulder scooped up a large forkful of scrambled eggs and shovelled it into his mouth, completely ignoring the incredibly dirty look Scully gave him. "Well, are you going to tell me about the case?" "I thought you weren't speaking to me," he said around his mouthful. "Are you going to tell me about it," she asked through gritted teeth. "Sure." "Mulder, if you don't tell me right now I will seriously never speak to you again." "Okay, okay, its just one of those little chemical waste-small town cannibalism cases that caught my eye." "Yeah, you've really got that chemical waste-small town cannibalism axis covered," she muttered sourly. "Ah, don't be like that, Scully. Come on, you haven't touched your bagel." ***** The elevator doors slide shut far too slowly for Scully's liking. After what seemed like an age they sealed themselves together leaving the two F.B.I. agents safely encased in the metal cage. As the elevator started to descend she pulled the clip out of her gun and checked how many rounds she had remaining. Not many. "How many you got?" she asked Mulder who had just done the same. "One in the clip, one in the hole." "We're fucked, Mulder." The elevator reached the next floor and carried on. They had punched G. The building was full of zombies. After their first encounter they'd thought they might be able to just walk out of there. Then the vacant-eyed creatures started coming out of the walls and the ceiling and the floor. And they'd started shooting and running. She had thought she was going to be sick; she shot chunks out of them and they just kept on coming, missing limbs and stomachs and faces. Mulder looked just as queasy. Now he had his gun trained on the doors, back against the wall, waiting for them to open. He braced his gunhand with his left wrist because he was holding his spare clip so he could reload as soon as he ran dry. It wasn't very comforting. She moved up beside him, following his lead. After all the years she'd spent with him, after all the shit they'd seen, she still couldn't believe she was preparing to shoot her way out of an abandoned building infested with zombies. It wasn't what she had signed on for. The elevator reached Ground. The doors pulled themselves apart as if they had been lubricated with treacle. "Okay, Scully, let's go." The entrance looked clear. She started to run towards the exit. Out of the corner of her eye she could see something blue. She fired at it and didn't look back. ***** When they got back the building was burning. They had brought the sheriff and he leant against his car as he called the fire department. Mulder leant against their car and shook his head. Scully leant next to him, drinking a Diet Coke. "So what exactly was it that you saw?" asked the sheriff, once he'd finished on the radio. "Felons," Mulder lied. Scully nodded. "Oh," said the sheriff. He started to nod. "You don't need us to hang about, do you?" Scully asked. "No, I don't see why you have to. Just so as long as you stay in town." "Sure," said Mulder, already getting into the car. "Y'all have a nice day," the sheriff called as Scully shut the door behind her. Scully laughed and Mulder put the car in reverse. As they turned off onto the road Scully turned to him. "How are we going to write this one up?" "We're not," he replied simply. "They'll want a report." "Fuck 'em all 'cause I don't care." The End